Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
