did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
