Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
