my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
