I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
