I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
