I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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