Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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