I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
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Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
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She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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