Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just pee around me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
