Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
