Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
