I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
