Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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