I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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