sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
