he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
did i walk over a car last night?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
