I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
