Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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