I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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