i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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