checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
