woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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