I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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