I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
