There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
