Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Boobs are out for the taking
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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