Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
