The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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