Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She bit a glass in half.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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