I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
