So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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