If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
