Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
