I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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