I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
