Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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