Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
