Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
