Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
