I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
