i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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