I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
