i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
