just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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