Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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