I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches