based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
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His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
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I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.