Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up