i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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