Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
