Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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