I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
