I cannot find my penis.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
